Difficult conversations: 6 pitfalls to avoid

Table of contents

• Video
• Introduction
• Why have a difficult conversation?
• Pitfall #1: Waiting for the situation to improve
• Pitfall #2: Not expressing your feelings and needs
• Pitfall #3: Not saying what you really mean
• Pitfall #4: Losing control of your emotions
• Pitfall #5: Not being able to recognize what connects us to the other person
• Pitfall #6: Failing to prepare properly
• Guide to preparing for a difficult conversation
• Conclusion

Here's the interactive workshop for this article, as well as aparticipant's booklet.

Introduction

How many times have you said to yourself that you should talk to him or her about it? You've observed a behavior or attitude in this person for some time, but you don't dare talk to them about it! First of all, it takes you out of your comfort zone to have this kind of conversation. What's more, you're not sure how to go about it, so you decide to wait and tell yourself that the situation will probably improve on its own.

You've just fallen into the most common trap in difficult conversations: waiting for the situation to improve.

At Hubu, we believe that if you're wondering whether you should talk about it, you should talk about it, because if you don't, the problems won't go away.

Why have a difficult conversation?

If you're renovating a house and you see a crack in the foundation, are you going to repair it? If you don't want the problem to get worse and turn into water infiltration, mold and then a breathing problem for your family, you'll repair the crack. Problems don't usually go away on their own, with a few exceptions. They only get worse over time.

"What is ignored tends not to be solved." - The Hubu team

It's the same with your relationships. If you don't have that initial conversation, it's likely to become a difficult one. And if you don't have this one, the situation is likely to escalate into latent conflict or unadressed misunderstanding. In such a situation, a lot of energy is lost, defense mechanisms set in, and the more time passes, the trickier these mechanisms become to manage.

That's why we believe that conversation is the first pillar of successful teams.

With a high frequency conversations (regular check-ins, regular feedback sessions), you can considerably reduce the risk of conflict. In this way, you can avoid consequences such as affecting the working atmosphere, hampering collaboration and wasting valuable resources on absences or illness.

Pitfall #1: Waiting for the situation to improve

You observe a situation that occurs for the first time. Your employee has cut corners in the inspection report that you have to send to the customer. You let it go this time and correct the report for him. You tell yourself that the person may have had a bad day.

The following week, the same thing happens, and once again, you tell yourself that maybe it's a bad week. After all, it's only 5-6 minutes of your time to correct the missing elements of the report. Then, as the weeks go by, you say to yourself, "I'll let it settle a little... it's not that bad."

Without realizing it, the situation has been going on for several months now. Your employee has taken to turning corners, your frustrations are palpable and your relationship is deteriorating. Finally, the time comes when you say to yourself: "Enough is enough. You ask for a meeting with your employee to explain that this situation has been going on for several months, and that if things don't change, you'll have to take drastic action.

"When the water has begun to boil, there is no point in trying to put out the fire." -Nelson Mandela

This example is a little extreme, but it does reflect a waiting situation. By waiting, you've turned a simple conversation into a difficult one. In the future, go and see the person and give him or her a call. real-time feedbackDon't wait for the situation to become a difficult conversation.

Pitfall #2: Not expressing your feelings and needs

Most of the time when we get into a difficult conversation, we're very good at expressing facts and especially our judgments. For example, during our meeting yesterday, I noticed that you used your cell phone 3 times during my presentation (fact). I understood how I wasn't interesting to you (judgment). How disrespectful not to take things seriously (judgment). You disturbed everyone (judgment).

Our conversations are full of judgments. We make judgments from 3 perspectives: judgments about ourselves, judgments about the other (a lot) and judgments about the situation and context. Yet we've been taught not to judge others. However, we tend, let's face it, to think that judgments are a bad thing. But in fact, judgment is a normal thing. Our brains are programmed to judge, and thank God for that, because it allows us to save ourselves from many potentially dangerous situations.

The problem is when judgments creep into the conversation, as in the previous example, and we're not even aware of it. We mix facts with our judgments to create a reality. A truth! In other words, there's the story that really happened, and then there's the story we tell ourselves.

By becoming aware of our judgments about ourselves, the other person and the situation, we can use them to better understand our feelings and needs. Very often, in the context of a difficult conversation, feelings aren't even mentioned. We think this helps us remain more rational and in control of our emotions, but neuroscience clearly tells us that if we are unable to recognize and express our feelings, a hijacking of the amygdala occurs. We'll come back to this in more detail in the next trap.

In short, the most important thing in a difficult conversation is to identify our feelings and needs and, above all, to express them.

For example, during our meeting yesterday, I noticed that you used your cell phone 3 times during my presentation (fact). I felt annoyed that you didn't respect the established rule (feeling). I was also worried that this might upset other people in the group (feeling). I would have really liked to know if you were treating an emergency (need) and especially if you would stop or leave the room (need). How important is it for you to follow the rules? Were you aware of the impact this might have on me as a presenter, or on other people in the team? (I've turned judgments into questions to encourage discussion).

Pitfall #3: Not saying what you really mean

Imagine you're having a difficult conversation that you've been dreading for some time. You finish the conversation, but regret not having spoken your mind. Then you talk about it with a good friend, and he asks you: "Did you tell him that? Your answer: "No, I chickened out.

First of all, deflating is a perfectly normal fear reaction to a difficult conversation. This reaction comes from the amygdala, the part of your brain that controls your fear-related reactions. The difficult conversation makes you feel fear, and then the sympathetic system's fight-or-flight response is activated. As a result, you experience what's called an amygdala hijack. Your amygdala takes control of your rational or conscious thoughts. The result of this cascade is often an illogical, irrational reaction to your original intention.

Secondly, this is what happens when you can't express your feelings. Neuroscience teaches us that if we're not aware of what we're feeling, the brain's amygdala, or unconsciousness, draws resources from our conscious thinking to understand what's going on. So what happens? Well, we don't think as well, and there's a good chance we don't express what we want to express.

Now, how can you better control this emotional reaction? Here are 3 ways to better control your stress:

1. Recognize this natural reaction when it occurs and learn to master it with practice, so you can consciously change and grow.

2. Take a few deep breaths, inhaling and exhaling for 4 seconds. You'll restore a natural balance between your amygdala and your prefrontal cortex.

3. Be aware of your feelings and needs as mentioned in trap #2.

Pitfall #4: Losing control of your emotions

Although you're ready to have your difficult conversation, don't assume that the other person is too. Sometimes, your difficult conversation can turn into a boxing match. You may have the best of intentions, but the other person may feel that you've just thrown a punch in the face.

This punch may activate old wounds and this person will need to unload his venom. He'll attack in turn with 3-4 punches, some of them below the belt. He may even slip in a few judgments along the way. This reaction will surprise you, destabilize you and perhaps even make you defensive. This is where trap #4 comes in: losing control of your emotions.

When a difficult conversation turns into a boxing match, the solution is to activate your listening, openness and curiosity mode. It means recognizing that the person is emotionally charged and needs to vent. Trying to justify yourself doesn't work. In such circumstances, the other person can't hear you. Remember, everyone wants to be seen and heard. The important thing is to take the blows and accept them without reacting.

Pitfall #5: Not being able to recognize what connects us to the other person

One of the first questions we ask in the context of conflict resolution is: "Is this conflict worth it?" In a difficult relationship, simply being in the same room as the other person can be quite a challenge. The key to creating trust and openness in such a situation is to hold on to why each party wants to have this conversation. Is there a common interest?

Ask yourself the following questions: Why is this conversation important to you? What is your connection with this person? For example, if you have to have a difficult conversation with a colleague in your department, your motivation might be to improve the relationship, to have a positive impact on the whole team. If it's a conversation with your son, your motivation might be that you want to have a good relationship with him.

By creating a bond at the very beginning of the conversation, there's something that unites you, and that's what motivates the rest of the conversation. The common goal is what motivates you to work together and move forward with your relationship.

Pitfall #6: Failing to prepare properly

Going into a difficult conversation unprepared is like a top athlete going into a competition untrained. It's practically doomed to failure. Taking the time to prepare greatly increases your chances of success.

That's why we've decided to create a guide to preparing for a difficult conversation. You can even practice with a friend. Ask them to play the role of the other person, and ask for their feedback at the end to help you improve.

Guide to preparing for a difficult conversation

Diagnosis: How do you know if you need to have a difficult conversation?

Answer yes or no to the following statements:

1. You want to talk about it, but you don't know how to go about it. ________

2. You don't dare talk about it, because you believe that things will return to normal on their own. ________

3. This is not the first time this has happened. ________

4. This person's behavior has a negative impact on others. ________

5. Your inner frustrations are beginning to show in your behavior with this person. ________

If you answered yes to at least 1 of the 5 statements, you must have a conversation.

How to prepare for a difficult conversation

Checklist: No matter how the conversation unfolds, I'm committed to being open, welcoming and not defensive.

Conclusion

"You can never predict the results of an action, but if you do nothing, there will be no results." -Gandhi

In our experience, we know very few people who regret having dared to have a difficult conversation. It can happen that you regret the way you went about it, what you said or the impact you had. However, you're always more likely to regret not having had it than not having achieved perfection. Perfection doesn't exist, and you know it!

A difficult conversation will undoubtedly lead to another conversation, and another. Whether it's to make adjustments to the elements or behaviours discussed, to acknowledge progress, to congratulate the other person or to follow up, a difficult conversation will always open up a new path. Will we just have the courage to go for it?

Hubu: Because We Are.